The Hardest Day of My Life

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life and boy do I need to vent.

My oldest friend Janet passed away last Friday and yesterday was her funeral. I somehow found the courage and the strength to stand at the podium and say a few very shaky words in her honour. She was by far the most loving, caring, giving person I have ever known and I feel very priviledged to have had her in my life.

Why did she have to leave us so soon? She was only 48 years old damn it! She will never see either of her children get married. She will never know the joy of holding her grandchildren in her arms. She was quiet and timid and went out of her way make sure every one around her was happy... so why?

Because she believed that marriage is for life... until death do you part. Even if the man you are married to is cruel to you. Even if he never has a kind word or gentle look to send your way, you stand by him and bury your pain as deep as it will go and face the world. Did he physically abuse her? I don't know... not that I ever saw or that she told me. Did he verbally and emotionally abuse her? Oh my God yes!!!! Did he cheat on her? Yes! Did I try to convince her that she was too good for the likes of him? Yes! But, she couldn't leave. He made good money and therefore the children would always have anything they could need and her children were by far the most important thing to her. so how did she handle this?

She drank. Plain and simple... she drank. Her words... "If I am drunk, he's really not so bad." "When I drink the pain doesn't hurt so bad." so ... she drank to the point that everything shut down. Her liver, kidneys, heart, lungs... everything. It was too late by the time her daughter called for help, but even then Janet said not to worry, she would be fine. A few short hours later, after ambulances and Life Support she was gone.

So, yesterday I had to stand up in front of her husband, the man whom I blame, and say good bye to the dearest friend I have ever known. Did I hug him and say how sorry I was for his loss? No way! Did I even say one word to him... no. I wrapped my arms and my heart around her parents, her siblings and her children and cried with them. After all... why would I give a damn about the man who didn't even want to spend any of his fortune on a funeral for the woman who gave him her life for 23 long years?

I will hold on to the good memories. I will see her smile when I close my eyes. I will laugh with my girls over the crazy antics of Aunt Jan. And, I will always miss her until it's my time to see her again.